Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin