When it comes to depression, sighs matters
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Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
In Canada they just call them geese
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
murder on the timeline
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me