When it comes to depression, sighs matters
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[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive