When it comes to depression, sighs matters
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Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
meow
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls