When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
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When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad