When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
You Might Also Like
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
🤣🤣🤣
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”