Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

can’t believe I got front row seats

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped