Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

This is hilarious….

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?