When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
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Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.