When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
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It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
wtf is a larm clock?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
When you’re here for the treats.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
You better watch out
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.