When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
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She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best