When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
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just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Stick it to the man
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.