When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
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“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call