Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working