When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
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Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go