Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.