When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
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°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
That’s incredible! 👌
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
The Assassin.
