When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
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Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My patience has stretch marks.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]