Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

journal

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.