When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?