When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
You Might Also Like
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Frankenstein?
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.