When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
You Might Also Like
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.