When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Go hard or stay average
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what