When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
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If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*