Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably