When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
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My first son he is wonderful
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late