when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
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If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”