when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
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Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too