Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.