when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
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Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
They’re called werewolves.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.