When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
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I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear