When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
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[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy