[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
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Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.