Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator