When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
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Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I hate when that happens.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
The fall of Netflix