when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
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My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.