When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?