When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle