When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix