When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
How many? 🤔
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.