When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
The cake is mightier than the sword.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I didn’t know they can drive…
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.