When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?