when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
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You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?