when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
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The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I have obtained a hat
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows