when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
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Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
That lamp looks PISSED.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged