Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

Plumber: I think I found the problem

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

scrabbled eggs