When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
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They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
The struggle is real.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
🐟✨ #re4
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you