Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m having an out of money experience.

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

Thinking about Jeff

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.