When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
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nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.