when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
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Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE