when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
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I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
i smell a pulitzer
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]