when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
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[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Just a bush.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Ion see the issue