when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
meow
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom