When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
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Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come