When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
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The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
i love modern commerce
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
New favorite tiktok
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”