When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
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Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Every work meeting this week
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
money maker
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*