Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

I have never related to a cat more

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.