Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

Only a mother’s love …

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

Me irl

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit