When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
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What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Blew out my flip flop…
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.