When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
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The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Fights fire with marshmallows
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza: