When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
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Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Only you can prevent podcasts
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
wtf is a larm clock?
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card