When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
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ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated