Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.