When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
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My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.