Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.