Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism