When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
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[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
A short story about romance.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
sweet dreams💖
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.