When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
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Horrifying if literal: arm candy
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
What the dentist sees
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
There’s only one good girl here!
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.