When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
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when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day