When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
You Might Also Like
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
i made a craigslist ad !
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
This squirrel eats better than I do
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*