When libraries troll their patrons.
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EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
S O O N
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.