When libraries troll their patrons.
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“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
husband: help me choose a baby name.
me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*