Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

I Can’t Tonight…

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.