Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

whenever i wake up before my alarm

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

My dress code is business-casualty.

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.