When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
You Might Also Like
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.