Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.