When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
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I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
I hate my earbuds.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.